hate

The 420 Playlist – Hindi

  • Oopar Oopar Renn De – A real fun song with amazing lyrics and lessons for life. The monologue in between is specially hilarious!

  • Babaji by Mohit Chauhan – Mesmerising, beautiful and full of Nostalgia for all those who have been to the beautiful Parvati Valley.

  • Banao Banao by Papon – I think Papon is just fooling us when he says that it’s not his song. 😉

  • Babaji Ki Booti from Go, Goa, Gone – This unplugged version, I feel, is way better than the original.

  • Dum Maaro Dum – The original one. Check out the foreigners in the background, wth is going on? 😀

  • Manali Trance – I love the beats, let’s just ignore Honey Singh for once.

  • Main Zindagi ka Saath – A soothing song for those times when you want to go back into time. 🙂

Wishing upon a Star

I found a picture,
Between the tattered pages,
Of an old notebook.
It was a picture of you,
With your teeth shining,
Like the pearls sewn in your dress.
The colour of the sky,
And freshly plucked flowers,
Adorned the laces on your sleeve.
A prettier picture I had not seen.
I look back at those days,
When I asked mother;
“Why did you have to have
another daughter?”
How could I have been so ignorant,
I had always wished for someone magical,
To come into my life,
To fill in the vacant afternoons,
To be a partner-in-crime,
To be all mine.
What would have I ever done without you?
You are the greatest gift ever.
I never wished for anything again.

Letters for Love/Being Unwanted (Guest Post)

Before you wonder why I didn’t title this post ‘Love Letters’ or ‘Letters of Love”, I want to explain and ask you at the same time what Love means to you? To me it means so many things, even hate, but this is a letter written for Love, not out of Love, not about Love but just for it. Make what you can of it. 🙂

Oh and also Special thanks to our writer, i.e. not me but someone who I begged to write this for me, since I have been too busy with work. And he hasn’t let me down. I love your writing, I really do. Here it goes:

BEING UNWANTED

So today, I will like to confess one of the feelings that come to me more often than others. I, for some reason, always find myself with people who are facing some crisis. With time this thing rooted deep inside me. I started feeling satisfied with the knowledge that maybe people needed me sometimes even if it was only in their moments of sorrow. Call it a lame effort to be wanted by others or an attempt to hold some place important in others’ lives. Or maybe I think too much. Someone told me that I always look for tragedies, but this is just what I have become. I don’t mind tragedies a single bit because I feel that people reveal their innermost feelings at that moment. I wish I could take those moments of closeness, the belonging to merrier times also but almost always I find myself getting sidelined for someone else who simply makes their way into lives of others when the grass is green and when they don’t have to live through autumn. Then again I start looking out for the next estranged soul. I fully agree that my life may seem tempting to others. Some people have in fact asked me that why do I even get sad, but its ingrained in me. I try to be alone at times hoping someone will ask about me.

This feeling naturally comes, when I see people enjoying with others, I find myself looking at people’s happy faces thinking it would have been so fucking amazing if I would have been the one sharing that laughter, if your smile would have started from your lips and would have stopped at my cheekbones. I always try to find a crevice in people’s conversations to an untold secret which would act like a thread that would keep us entwined forever with each other. I love to gradually fade into the background watching how people react to my absence.

You have been a great support to me amidst all the negativity. As I have said a million times, a lighthouse in the cold wild raging sea, a drop of water in the scorching heat of the desert, that last breath for which a man craves on his deathbed, those last few  of oxygen in a man’s tank on a faraway planet.

P.S. – You are the one who I believe can take me out of this perpetual turmoil. Only you have the charm.

A Reply

I think I am cast in a very different stone. I am the kind who wants to be with people in their good times and their bad. If they choose to be with me only in either one of them, then I carve out a different path for myself, far away from theirs. For me, it’s always all or nothing. The only thing I hope for is that I make you a part of all my seasons. That, I think, could be the best gift I could ever give you.

P.S. Don’t talk about lighthouses, they drive me crazy! 🙂 ❤

On Travelling Solo

To me, travelling is one of the best stress busters and also on of my greatest hobbies. I feel like this is the time when I can indulge in activities like these because later it will be too late. I realised that this should be something that I should follow forever because no time is a bad time to travel. The biggest drawback for any girl in India is the fact that it is really hard to travel alone. It is also not a very judicious idea because it will definitely take a toll on your pocket. I have always wanted to go out on solo walks during rainy nights when I was at home. There was no way I would be allowed outside after 11 in the night. When I shifted to Mumbai, I was amazed by the freedom that girls could enjoy. I often walked back home at 2, sometimes even 4 from college to home.

There was an article I read on Thought Catalog about how you could be with someone and yet be alone. That is the kind of travelling that I dream of. To have someone there for when you need them, to make memories and to yet be alone, to get lost in the mountains, in the sound of nature, in the fresh air and the delicious food. On one of my trips I found a friend like that. On our way back from a trek, our group got left behind and we decided to wait for them sitting on a cliff, overlooking the mountains – The Dhauladhar Range. That moment was sort of like the moment of enlightenment for me. I don’t think I can ever forget the exact details of that moment ever in my life. We weren’t talking. It was like the other person didn’t even exist even though they did. It was also the moment I fell in love, with several things at once, mostly in love with life!

I wrote something after coming back:

And it has come to an end, the amazing 10 days in Delhi. McLeodganj, Bhagsunag and Trikund. A time like none other. Thanks to the company.

For the first time in my life I found serenity in solitude even when I wasn’t alone and peace in silence with someone who knew what I wanted to say without saying anything. Those were the days I would want to live over and over again despite the few bitter moments. The good ones definitely overpower them. These memories will push me forward in life. Towards better things and better judgements. It’s the little things in life that keep you going. Those expressions of love and care, the reiterated concerns for your well being.

The moment I was talking about:

Those three stray wisps of clouds among the hills. Mixing and melting and moulding into one single entity. The serenity of it all, the stolen moments of peace. The mutual understanding. What else could one wish for. The sound of water rushing downhill, a cigarette in your hand and the dizziness in your brain, being supported by people you love the most. Staring into the sunset with your head upon their shoulder, the playful atmosphere, the light-headedness, the million shades of the sky during dusk. Another wisp of the clouds lodged in the snow capped mountains. A cup of tea, a pen and a notebook, with the steps towards heaven right in front of me. There’s nothing else I could ever wish for.

Sober Notes 2

Tracing down his drunken footsteps. I was reminded of the days when he used to walk beside me. Supporting my inebriated soul. Inebriated, because of his love. Here I come. Crawling back to you. Tracing your footsteps. Afraid to approach you. Because now you seem just a little too far away to be mine.

The Leaf(?) Book

Inspired from Ai Weiwei’s Black cover book, our visual design teacher told us to make a book of our own. Something that would provoke thought, something that you can’t express to the world otherwise. Call it shortage of time or whatever, but I decided to use poetry/writing from my blog to make the book, also considering the fact that this blog is a pretty private affair, not many people whom I am close with know about it. So just the poetry wasn’t enough. I decided to couple it with art, i.e. paper cuts that I could manage. Here is the first page, also why I call it the Leaf Book.

Cover page

Cover page

I found this leaf outside college and safely placed it between the pages of a book. It was really beautiful how each and every vein of it was visible, I wonder how that happens.

Page 1 and 2: Rain and Winter/ Water and Air

Page 1 and 2: Rain and Winter/ Water and Air

So I decided to write about the four elements and four seasons because I find them really inspiring. I wrote the passage while I was sitting at Marine Drive alone one night, the passage on Height, I wrote while I was sitting on the water tank on my terrace and listening to music, again on another night.

Page 3 and 4: Sun and Moon/ Day and Night

Page 3 and 4: Sun and Moon/ Day and Night

This passage was also written on a night while contemplating love and hate…

Page 5 and 6: Fire and Earth/ Summer and Spring

Page 5 and 6: Fire and Earth/ Summer and Spring

The passage on the left page was written after a fight with a loved one, and the one on the right was written in considerably opposite circumstances.

So that’s the explanation for MY LEAF BOOK! The papercutting took a lot of time, especially the spring page. You can clearly see what each season and element means to me. Nature has always been a strong inspiration in my life. Ever after I started travelling by myself, the mountains have held some kind of magic for me that compels me to write, and also the serenity and silence of nature. These are just some of the products of that inspiration. ❤

Remembering a Night in Delhi

The sound of crickets chirping, the fan rotating slowly over my head, making that noise without which it is hard to sleep now. A stupid stray mosquito buzzes past my ear, disturbing my stream of thought. The moon is exactly half tonight, the red tint gives it a bloodshot appearance that I love, which reminds me of a time gone by when I used to sit in the courtyards of college with my headphones on. The sky of Delhi was tinted red completely. The cool breeze during those beautiful nights remind me of that golden period. Even at that time, I realised the importance of those moments and tried to instil every second into my memory, but when has recapitulation ever served as an equivalent to actually living up the moment. Those nights and these nights. So much has changed but some things remain the same forever. The sky is still the same, the same moonlight falls upon the same skin. The only thing that has changed tonight is the red tint that the sky has now transferred to the moon. Maybe it’s the moon’s magnanimity to take upon itself the blame of the sky. After all they have been together since eternity, and maybe that is also an explanation for the blows it has received, that now exist in the form of craters on its surface.

Those were the days... I mean nights. <3

Those were the days… I mean nights. ❤

Journal Writing/Blog Post 50

I have been writing and maintaining a journal since I was in class seven. It has been my favourite hobby but also very infrequent, there were times when I would write everyday and times when I wouldn’t write for months. Through this blog I just wanted to continue my habit in the digital space and even though it as not as personal as I would want it to be I try my best to be as genuine as possible. Until now, I have lived up to the promise of writing one post everyday and I very proudly present here my fiftieth post!

Memories of journal writing:

There was a time when I was extremely introverted and shy. My journal used to be my best friend. It sounds sad but trust me it wasn’t. Obviously I had many more friends but some things are meant to be kept to yourself. There were times when a friend who wanted to know me better would ask me to read out from the pages of my journal and I reluctantly did so, editing bits here and there. I have definitely come a long way from there. From being so introverted and shy to someone who is ready to let it all go and to show the world who she really is.

This is just the beginning! ❤

Self Reflection (sort of)

There is a certain kind of pain, that is inexpressible, which holds your head within its grasp and tries to push your skull in, along with all the hope which it tries to destroy. How to get rid of this hold is a question I have never been able to solve. Gradual departure is easy to bear, but when a friend suddenly leaves, you don’t know what to do, what to say. I wish I could tell you the truth. I am a very possessive person and when I want somebody, I want them all for myself, I want to consume them, but at the same time, I am like a candle which burns in the daylight. You will never know what I feel, what I want to say. And till night comes, I have melted into the unknown. If it so happens that my object of desire goes away, and isn’t mine with all its soul and heart, my coping mechanism instantly comes into play, I try to tell myself, that it was never meant to happen. I push away, my desire, my love and every ounce of affection that I had for that thing. For me, its always all or nothing.

Friendship (and Feminism)

For an assignment, we were supposed to write our thoughts on Friendship. I thought I would make it a blog post instead! So here it goes… 🙂

I am only going to delve on the later part of my life when I really started making sense of things and analysing them even. So the story begins in grade 5. I had just shifted to a new school and making friends is always difficult at a new place. I gradually got accustomed to the place and made really good friends in grade 6. We had what you would call a gang. Time flew, the year passed by and in grade 7 I met people who encouraged me to study, to be a good student. While the earlier gang was a mixture of fun and sincerity, this one was all about being serious for the future. Then there was the 8th grade, this was the phase of my life when I met SS and we began this relationship built over books. The year flew by, reading and exchanging books, pouring over book reviews and drooling over our favourite characters whose books got made into movies. Oh and I forgot to mention, all these friends were girls, always girls!

Then the crucial years of High School started and I wasn’t aware but I met a friend whose friendship was probably going to last for a lifetime – NM. She was the kind of person you could just be yourself with, no formalities, no judgements, no complaints and no expectations besides the basic ones of course. The two years we spent, bonded us forever and even after eight and a half years we are going strong. So that, is my longest relationship, so far. I call it a relationship because limiting the term relationship to a heterosexual one is just one of those patriarchal norms that the society has imposed upon you to follow. For me, being friends with, I mean being in a relationship with women has been the best and most enriching experience of life. I have learnt so much about myself, thanks to her. She has been the much needed self-reflection in my life and without her I would have been a little more arrogant maybe and a little delusional. I won’t delve into our memories and experiences because in the long run what matters is the love and hate that you have showered upon me. Hate is really important, believe me. For me, they go hand in hand. And I love that she doesn’t even think twice before saying anything to me. Thanks for being the initial building block in my life. You were there with me during the first step, which helped me climb up to where I am now.

Then there was the time before college, even more important years and there was IS. I would have loved to talk about this relationship, but we unfortunately broke up. She lived too far, we talked really less and never met. Notwithstanding the bad memories of all that, she was from an all-girls school and her way of seeing the world was so much different than mine. She prepared me for the big bad world of college that was looming in the future. She was the one who turned me from a shy, meek girl to someone who could go ask the shopkeeper for different shades of lead pencils. Yeah, it is not a joke, I was too shy to do even that earlier. Keeping the break-up aside, thanks for teaching me to stand for myself and to be independent and to fight off guys who wrong me and to just be a better version of myself.

Then there were three years of an all-girls college and what an experience it was. Just the mind-boggling conversations with my hostel mates, that gave you a perspective on things that you could never have imagined on your own. There was RS, who I met again after college and totally fell in love with, all over again. Never before have I seen such a selfless, loving and caring person. Even when she’s in trouble, she will make sure first that you are okay. She is a little childish and a little shy but she possesses the knowledge bank of a monster (like Hulk, Go Bruce Banner! :)). She will make you fall in love with her unconditional love for you. There is no give and take with her, its just take, taking away truckloads of love and a lesson. The lesson that teaches you to be a better person, someone who can do whatever it takes to be a good friend!

Then there is the love of my life, SK. She is the one who has been with me during all my highs and lows, who bears with my tantrums and bitching and what not. With an immense knowledge about everything in the world, she teaches me something new everyday and inspires me. She has been the source of my exposure to arts, culture, music, food and so much more. Everything that I had missed on until now, she has taught me how to compensate for it. Being with her is like being with a new season everyday, she has her gloomy rainy days and cheerful spring days but she manages to keep everyone around and near herself like a magnet at the core of the earth which keeps us grounded through gravity. She makes me happy and at the same time is the best teacher I have ever had.

I know the post was meant to be about feminism, but when I look back, I realise that my life decisions and experiences are affected deeply by my relationship with the women I have been with. I can easily share my thoughts and problems with them, and they would understand me the best. They won’t patronise me when I am stuck somewhere, but will reason with me and encourage me to go forward, and even if I fall they will be standing behind me to help me get up. The thing with friendships is that they are fragile. You can walk out of it whenever you want. In a situation like this if a friendship lasts really long, you know you have found the one!

When people say that their marriage and their family is more important to them, I tell them that my friends are equally important, definitely more than my relationship (the other one). People might say that being friends with men is more fun and all that. Quite frankly, I believed that at some point in life but then the realisation dawned upon me, some of these men had women as their best friends. If they stayed together, it meant that they shared the same temperament, so they must definitely be as fun to stay with as their male counterpart. Stereotypes like these need to be put to an end.The way media portrays this also has a lot to do with it and I am just waiting for more movies like Queen and even Dor to make their foray into mainstream cinema so that we could have a “Dil Chahta Hai” with women this time around. That’s all folks!